Baptist College Principals Emerge From Debilitating Slumber

This just in from Hanserd Knollys

A memo tabled at this week’s joint Baptist College Principals meeting (the ‘Lack’, as it is known) for presentation to the BCJCC (Baptist Colleges Joint Consultative Committee)

Memo

In recent years the bitter rivalry between the various Baptist Colleges has diminished to a deplorable level.

In former generations, you could tell the difference between a Bristol Man and a Spurgeon’s Man at a hundred paces. However, the trend in the last twenty years has been towards a disastrous homogenisation of ministerial formation. No longer will students fight to the death for the honour of a College Motto. No longer can we be certain that Regents graduates will preach worthy but dull sermons. No longer can we count on a Spurgeon’s graduate’s ability to alliterate on demand. No longer can we be certain that Welsh College students can preach bilingually, simultaneously. No longer can we reasonably expect a Manchester College student to turn Unitarian after their first pastorate. No longer do we encounter the incomprehensibly angry preaching of the Scottish student. No longer can we be sure that the Bristol student will forever harbour resentment that they didn’t go to Oxford.

Clearly this is unacceptable, and urgent steps must be taken to rectify the situation.

It is our proposal that an immediate reallocation of all staff be undertaken, with all tutorial staff being relocated back to the College they trained at. This will restore the pride of the alma mater, and will weed out those trained in other, non-Baptist, institutions. This is the first crucial step towards the realisation of our goal.

The second phase will be a renaming of the Colleges to reflect their theological position. Henceforth they shall be known as:

• Spurgeons Calvinistic-Premillennial-Reformed-Evangelical College
• Regent’s Park Overly-Theological College
• South Wales Ble mae'r diwygiad College
• Bristol not-Regent’s Baptist College
• Scottish C.U. Jimmy Baptist College
• Northern Baptist Learning Community.

The final phase will be the introduction of a scoring system to be utilised by Ministerial Recognition Committees, whereby students will be allocated to Colleges according to their response to a key shibboleth, as follows.

What is your opinion of Calvinism?

• I knew you were going to ask me that. – Spurgeon’s
• Are we talking Neo-Calvinism, Positive Calvinism, or Antithetical Calvinism here? – Regent’s
• Christmas Evans was a Calvinistic Baptist Revivalist, let’s genetically re-engineer him. – Wales
• If Arminius was good enough for Helwys, he’s good enough for me. – Bristol
• Mark Driscoll makes an interesting point on this one. – Scottish
• Calvin Schmalvin! We’re a Cuddly Community – Manchester

It is our feeling that these simple measures will do more to revitalise the missional and ecclesial life of the Union than any initiatives or theological positioning papers that may emerge from the so-called 'Ministry' and 'Mission' Departments in Didcot. The power within the Union has always rested with the Colleges, and for too long we have been inactive. It is time we took the initiative once again.

Signed

The Lack of Principals